Events of the past 365 days have been some of the most enlightening of my life. It's the big push that knocked me into the headspace I am in now and, as much as I didn't realise it at the time, shaped me into a person that I can be proud of.
What's important to me when discussing this entire relationship is making it exceptionally clear that regardless of how things ended, this was a relationship that helped me get over some things I never thought I would and enabled me to become more comfortable in countless ways. These are two things I will be forever grateful for. I also- once again- will be avoiding directly bad-mouthing any individuals and will simply be discussing how certain things made me feel and what I came to know because of it.
One of the main things I was able to see in retrospect was just how negatively this specific relationship affected my own self-worth. At first, this wasn't the case; I knew the other person valued me and who I was, so I never had any reason to question things. It was only in the latter stages that I felt ways I shouldn't have. There were times, more often than not, that I had to tell this person I felt like I wasn't good enough for them, that I worried they were going to find someone better or that I completely crumbled because I didn't know where we stood with each other at all. It's really difficult for me to understand because this person went from being the most comforting, understanding, and loving partner to the exact opposite in the space of a few weeks, and because of this I ended up questioning what I was actually worth. I lost a sense of value for myself because the one person I expected to really value me no longer did, yet I didn't even realise this until very recently.
It's never easy to come to terms with something like that, either. The moment that you realise you didn't mean as much to someone as they meant to you is one of the most heartbreaking feelings, whether they're a friend a family member, or something else. What I learned from this is just because one person doesn't care for you in that way, it doesn't mean nobody does. The realisation that this person didn't care for me how I wanted to also lead me to realise I was surrounded by people that did. It opened my eyes to just how many people in my life had been looking out for me and keeping my head up during the times that I struggled to even like myself. It was a blessing in disguise.
I've always been a trusting person. More than trusting, even-- I've always been the person that will give my all to everyone I care about no matter the consequences that would have on me. Again, it wasn't until very recently I realised just how bad these consequences could be. I let people in life dictate to me more than anyone should because in my head- I should say this used to be in my head, it's definitely not the case anymore- that's what I should do to make them happy. So when my former partner told me that I shouldn't send so many messages, that asking to facetime once a week was high maintenance, or that (once we had split up but were still incredibly involved) I couldn't do certain things anymore because we were 'just friends' I went along with it. Even though it bothered me immensely that these things made me feel like a bother rather than an equal, and made me cry far too many times, I accepted it because I trusted that it was in my best interest too.
Spoiler alert, it wasn't.
I gave myself time afterward to process things as much as I could (and as quickly as I could; its much easier for me to deal with things faster than to take my time). What I realised was, as much as these things were presented as being good for me, they were actually a means of keeping someone else happy and keeping me at bay. I never thought to question why it was necessary for me to change myself for one person, let alone anyone in my life. It was entirely detrimental to myself because I wasn't doing what made me happy. I didn't call anyone out on, for lack of a better word, their bullshit. When I did the response tended to be that I shouldn't be bothered or that I was making a massive deal out of nothing. The thing is, if something bothers you (especially if it bothers you to the point of tears) no matter how stupid or small of an issue it may be... then it bothers you. You have to stop letting people tell you that you shouldn't be bothered about something because- here's the big revelation of the day- most of the time they're only saying that so they don't feel guilty for doing something to hurt you.
I wish I'd known this sooner and saved myself the hassle of letting people dictate how I should feel. The anxiety I had around standing up for myself- especially to people I care about lots-only existed because every time I tried to do as such I was made to feel guilty for it. It's incredible what we will do to keep the peace but, in all honesty, sometimes breaking the peace will benefit you in the long run.
Life is all about growing. A situation, or a person, or people, can hurt you and break your boundaries countless times. It's how you move forward from these things that matters. The way I see it, you can either hold hatred and anger in your heart forever or you can allow yourself to feel what you need to and then, very simply, let go. Letting go might be the hardest part, but it also leaves room for you to learn from experience and blossom into a different version of yourself. That's what it did for me; I no longer have time for people that don't love me for who I am or people that invalidate my feelings because it doesn't line up with how they think I should feel. I'm much better off now than I was a mere four months ago.
Obviously, it's been a couple of months since I posted on here, and the only reasons for that are the fact I wanted this post to come across in the right way and because I've been stacked with deadlines for University. I can't say I'm surprised that it's the end of January and we are STILL in lockdown, but hopefully, we get a change soon and people can start living slightly better lives again!! I wish everyone a peaceful and positive week, be kind to yourselves <3