In order to truly begin loving myself, I had to look deeper than just the past year. This meant stepping back from current situations and addressing older, deeper wounds that changed my own perception of myself too. It definitely wasn't an easy process and there are some wounds that hurt more to reopen than others, but the benefits I was able to take away from this made it worth it. This could be a long-winded post so I am going to make it as easy to follow as possible, but hopefully, it resonates with people.
When I was younger I was obsessed with the idea of having a boyfriend or even just having a boy interested in me. In retrospect, I think a lot of teenage girls are just the same, and I also think it's an entirely unhealthy mentality for young women- and men- to have. I saw all these girls I knew getting boyfriends and going on dates and all I could think was 'I want that'. Truth be told, I had a fair few boy-friends and crushes here and there, but I never felt like anyone was meant to be anything more than that; as much as I 'wanted' a boyfriend, I wasn't actually interested in having one. That stuck, for the most part. I have no regrets at all in regards to my relationship with boys up until the age of seventeen (a shout out to the one boy that was ever anything more prior to this) and that was where my issues started.
Before I jump into things, I want to make one thing overtly clear-- I will not be naming names, as much as I wish once upon a time I had, because I don't want to be in the business of naming and shaming. It will be clear why as this section of the story unfolds, so people will only be referred to as their gender from here.
Autumn of 2017 was filled with big changes for me; starting sixth form after a rocky couple of years doing my GCSE's, fitting into a new group of friends, and really having to kick my work ethic back into gear. My friends made me laugh and feel accepted and introduced me to new people that I also genuinely got on with. One of these people? A boy. By this age, my years of feeling like I needed to have a boyfriend had passed and I was really starting to come into my own. So, of course, this was when this new boy in my life started telling me how beautiful I was and how amazing he thought I was. Naïve, 17-year-old me was lovestruck. I ignored any red flags- the fact this boy had just come out of a relationship and had been somewhat of a serial dater- and went headfirst into it. Did I actually like him? I liked the things he said to me at first and the fact he boosted my ego. Do I regret it? More than anything else in my life.
At first, that might sound dramatic, but this was the beginning of a sequence of events in my life that changed my entire perception of myself. I find it difficult to speak openly about these specific situations and events but I think a majority of people will understand without me having to say too much. Things happened with this boy that I didn't necessarily want to happen and it broke my trust with men (for a long time). He stayed with me for four weeks, split up with me, and was with another new girl within a month. I was devasted. My first proper boyfriend, the first boy I had experienced things with, and he tore my self-worth to pieces with a few actions. The way I saw it- and still see it- was that he used me to his advantage whilst I was the only option available, and then the second something better came along he was gone. At 17 years old, those thoughts buried themselves deep into my mind. They were ingrained into my subconscious, reminding me at every moment that that was all boys saw me for.
It's only become clear to me recently just how bad my self-worth became after that situation. I had always been cautious with myself, with my body, and who really got to see me. This isn't to say I was an angel that never did anything wrong, but I never made myself easily available to anyone. That changed. In the months following, I spoke to boys just to feel valid. I allowed them to see parts of me that no one ever had because I assumed that's all they wanted to be involved with me for. This destroyed my self-worth because I was placing all of my value on my body, and none at all on who I was as a person. I was self-destructive because I let myself believe that my personality, my morals, my attitudes were worth less to people than what was under my clothes. I stopped saying no to people because at the very least if I said yes, they'd compliment me.
None of this was me. Not one single part of this behaviour was who I was, or even who I am today. Yet it lingers. The thought that no-one wants me for anything apart from my body still creeps into the forefront of my mind today-- especially when someone speaks to me and it's clear that is the case. Even now, three years on from a turbulent time in my life, I'm still learning to say no and set boundaries with people. I get filled with guilt when someone asks to see something because I've done it before, what difference does it make to do it again? The difference is my comfort levels, and the truth is at this moment in time, there's barely anyone I am comfortable enough with to enter into those things.
One thing I've learnt over the past year, in particular, is that I am worth more than just my body. I stopped focusing so much on looking perfect and setting my standards for myself based on what I saw on Instagram and started focusing on trying to love myself for who I am. I started to love myself for the fact I care about the people I love to the absolute fullest extent, for my knowledge on obscure topics, for my ability to make people laugh because of how goofy I can be. I began the process of loving myself as a person, not as a body or based on how I looked on Instagram.
It's not all a simple, straightforward process that comes easily. I didn't just wake up one day and decide that I now loved myself entirely and I was amazing. It's been a process that has, admittedly, involved a lot of one step forwards, two steps back. There are times now when I say or do things and wonder if I'm bothering people or where I look in the mirror and I'm not entirely sure if I like the person looking back at me, but I am trying and that is the most important thing. I'm realising that if people don't like me it's nothing to do with me not being enough and simply that they weren't the right fit for my life and that I can't place value on what others think of me more than what I think of myself. I love the person I'm becoming; I'm not trying to change or fit in with what others believe I should be, I'm just being my authentic self.
My experiences in my late teens shaped me. They taught me valuable lessons that are not only able to help me grow as a person, but that I can try to use to help those around me that are struggling with similar issues. Horrible, regret-filled experiences are exactly that, but it doesn't mean that these very experiences cannot make us stronger, better people. Once the wounds start to heal, you can take the time to avoid letting yourself get hurt in the same way again.
This may be one of the most taxing posts for me to write simply due to the memories it drudges up, but it also just might be one of the most important. As the first piece to this puzzle, the first part of my journey that really affected me, it will always be the catalyst for the things that happened in my life afterward. I hope this post finds you all well and that something can be taken away from it- whether that be setting boundaries with others or loving you for you- that's worthwhile. Even if not-- thank you for just being here and reading, the support I have received thus far has been overwhelming. I wish everyone a peaceful and positive week, be kind to yourselves <3