Every year, I'm met with my 'October-Anxiety'. I can't explain it, but for as long as I've known October has been the worst month of a year for me. It's not in a seasonal depression type way, but in an 'all the bad stuff seems to happen' way. I find myself struggling to be excited for Autumn to settle in because, in the back of my mind, I'm waiting for the bad thing to happen, whatever it may be this year. So, let's talk about it all-- bad months, bad 'anniversaries', and combatting all the anxieties that come with it.
I think I should preface this entire thing by saying that so many people I know have similar weeks/months/seasons, often linked to personal experiences. If I'm being entirely honest, October is so hard for me because it's home to not just a trauma anniversary (more on that in a minute) but to other memories of negative events in my life. As I'm writing this post, it's the 13th anniversary of me losing my Nana-- October just isn't good for me. The point is if you've ever felt like a particular period of time every single year is bad for you, you're in no way alone.
This is my obligatory trigger warning for mentions of sexual assault/trauma so please, if you're sensitive to that in particular, skip the next paragraph.
4 years ago this month I experienced something that I've discussed before on this blog. It's always a particularly hard thing to think about regardless of the day, but especially when I hit the day(s) that are incredibly specific to those memories. I go through the motions every October-- remembering, hurting, regretting, and then finally, coming to terms with it again. It's not something I think I'd ever fully heal from and that's why it comes up every year because I've found it doesn't really get any easier for me. I had a massive part of myself changed because, quite frankly, my first proper boyfriend sexually assaulted me on multiple occasions and it damaged the way that I saw myself and also the way I approach other relationships.
It's not something I can just get away from or switch off in my own head. It's not something I can ever force myself to forget, as much as I'd like to. It is something that comes back to haunt me especially in the month of October (which sucks, might I add, because I love Autumn and Halloween so so much). I remember the first year after the month hit me particularly hard, and for a little bit I shut down completely. That shut down quickly turned to over-sexualisation, and then to some of the worst anxiety I've experienced in my adult life. I've learned since that first horrible year that there are ways for me to make things easier on myself, but it will never be easy. That's not something that I'll ever find easy to deal with.
Moving away from the apparent doom-and-gloom of this post (I shouldn't joke about my own trauma-- it's something that is doom-and-gloom-- but I want to at least try and be positive and motivational as often as I can) there has to be some focus on how it can be made easier for yourself, even if it might never be totally easy.
Here's the thing-- trauma anniversaries are never your own fault. Whatever experience you've had, whenever it happened to you and however it happened, that's not your fault. You are not to blame for what someone else did to you that caused you trauma. It might sometimes feel overwhelmingly like it is your fault but it never, ever, ever is. That's one thing that eases the anxiety and pain for me. When I remind myself it isn't my fault that I feel this way, that it isn't my fault these things happened to me, it's like a little weight gets pulled off my shoulders. Not a massive weight, but it's something.
It also matters about the people you've got around you. The first year was different, but every year since then I've been lucky to have the best friends (and even occasionally, boyfriends) there to take my mind away from things. It's still there, lurking in the subconscious like a nasty leech you can't shake off, but it's never as present. It's like your friends-- sometimes without even realising it-- are holding your hand on the walk to a really scary rollercoaster. You're still anxious but you know they've got you. Sometimes they might not even know they're helping (if you're reading this and you're even remotely close to me I promise you'll have helped in some way at some point in time).
It's such a distinct experience person to person that I wouldn't even try to understand another individual's trauma or tell them how to deal with it, but there are certain things that help me. Writing (no surprise) always serves as an outlet for how I feel, whether it's personal writing or for public consumption. Pamper days (a cliché) where I do nothing but relax and care for myself always serve as a way to not allow any anxieties to get in the way of things I need to do. A clear schedule means I don't feel like I'm falling behind or letting myself down. Sometimes, you just need to focus your energy away from the 'anniversary', as hard as that may be.
It can be incredibly hard to remind myself that October isn't cursed, no matter how much it may seem to be. Yes, it's the month that I lost my Nana (who was and still is one of my favourite people and always will be), and it's filled with too many negative experiences and memories to count, but there's also good experiences sandwiched in there too if I take the time to look for them. Negative memories just tend to stick out more because they cut like glass every time they cross your mind.
I've tried to come into October this year with the mindset that it won't be an inherently bad month so I don't jinx it myself. Honestly, we're 18 days in and it's been pretty good so far. That's not to say the next couple of weeks won't be tough, because they will be at times, but I'm not letting myself dwell too much on things that I am healing from because I deserve to heal and trust the month again, even if it takes me awhile to get there. It's not that trauma makes you stronger-- I think that gives too much credit to whatever/whoever happened to you-- you make yourself stronger in the aftermath. If you're like me, and you've been through anything at all, you're strong just for getting up everyday.
It's been a long time since I've really sat down and written, but it feels good to have done it. Putting my thoughts down onto paper (or a screen) helps me process them a little bit more, and hopefully helps whoever might be reading this. You're stronger than you know, I promise. <3