'Hot girls set boundaries' is a phrase I've seen thrown around countless times on social media for the past year. It's become a catchphrase for young women to remember that setting boundaries isn't a bad thing to do, but actually one of the best things in any type of relationship in your life. There comes a time in most relationships where you have to set boundaries, and it's something that requires discussion no matter who you are.
I didn't set boundaries with anyone for the longest time. I felt like I owed a huge part of myself to everyone, and that I could never tell anyone 'no' or felt like I had to agree with everything they wanted. It isn't a healthy way to live, by any means, because it enables behaviours from others that aren't good for you. There are four major benefits to boundaries-- at least that's what I think.
Perhaps the simplest of these is the fact that healthy boundaries can improve our self-esteem. Given the focus of boundary setting on making yourself a priority (which, obviously, is an incredible end goal) it produces an overall better self-outlook. To set boundaries and therefore improve self-esteem also leads to healthier relationships; individuals with higher self-esteem tend to have less distorted perceptions of their partners and their personal insecurities affect the relationship less. This all, to some extent, leads back to boundary setting.
Boundaries are also incredibly flexible. They aren't something that you set in place once and never change; they can be reassessed and change at any time. By being able to make such slight changes to your relationships with others, you can improve relationship quality and satisfaction over time. It allows you to change your boundaries as you see fit, without the influence of others. Nevertheless, boundaries can become too flexible- I've seen it too many times with female friends who set 'bendy' boundaries with people to keep the peace, only to end up with an entirely imbalanced relationship. So, when boundaries are being set, it's important to make sure it leaves the relationship on equal footing and doesn't result in the exploitation of one partner.
I also find that-- for someone who can be entirely too empathetic at times--boundaries are important for conserving our emotional energy. There is nothing wrong with telling someone that you need space, less contact, or even that they are acting in a way that bothers you. Your emotional energy is your priority, and if an individual is becoming draining for you, it's a sign that a boundary needs to be set. I've had to do this recently with a few people and it's never something I enjoy. Even when it's a situation where I am being drained and something needs to be done, I feel so much guilt for bringing it up. Gently telling a friend 'when you do this it really bothers me' or 'I don't think we should be this close' is difficult because, even being supremely careful, there's room for misunderstanding. I can set a boundary with someone, have them understand where I'm coming from, then spend the next three days apologising to them for... being human? It can be difficult, but the emotional relief it provides, in the long run, makes boundary setting worthwhile.
The past couple of months have been filled with both boundary setting and boundary maintaining (the only way I can phrase that) for me. I've consistently tried to remind others of what I am comfortable with, where we stand, and even gone as far as removing people from my life who wouldn't respect these. The person I was a year ago wouldn't have even made steps towards doing this, but a year of growth and surrounding myself with the right people has let me blossom, in a way. Getting to grips with your own boundaries can take some refining too; different things can affect what your boundaries look like depending on the relationship, the point in your life, or even just the day. You can't be harsh on yourself if your boundaries feel different from relationship to relationship because, at the end of the day, the way you feel about a person will dictate what those boundaries look like.
I've blabbed on about emotional maturity on this blog so, so much, but it plays into so many parts of becoming a better (I hate saying better because I don't want to imply people aren't already brilliant) version of yourself. Setting boundaries is part of becoming more emotionally mature, whether you see it or not. It's having the ability to understand what you need and what is best for you, and respecting what others need for themselves. Sometimes you don't even realise what some of your personal boundaries are until you interact with different types of people- I learned this very recently and it was eye-opening- and you often need those people to help you know a little bit more about yourself.
Boundaries can feel silly on occasion (I'm looking at myself with my strange feelings about people sitting on my bed) but they're necessary. They're healthy. As long as you're not hurting anyone in the process of setting them then you should have them, even if they're the most simple things in the world. Your relationships will benefit and because of that, you will too.
Sometimes when I write for this blog I lose my train of thought, hence why I can either post three in a week or not post at all for two months. This post, albeit shorter than some others, is a whole lot more informative and felt necessary for me to get off my chest and into the air (or internet??). I'm finding it hard to write at the moment largely because I'm semi-happy and, shocking though it may be, I tend to produce my best work when I'm feeling down. I do intend to post some more over the next couple of months, so if you're into that please do stick around!! For now, this post is done, so I wish everyone that's made it this far a wonderful weekend <3