A Change of Tone

I'm taking a step away from the somewhat negative back-stories and such for this post to discuss something more relevant to how life is right now. I've been thinking a lot the past couple of days about how I actually feel within myself and about those around me and how different I feel compared to a few months ago.

As much as I have always presented myself as confident and comfortable with myself, I have never really felt that way until recently. It always felt like I was reaching for something else like I was setting myself targets to be more like other women and to look, act, or feel the same way they did. My presence on social media was one like anyone elses- selfies because I (wanted other people to think I) looked good, posts about how happy I was or what I was doing- and it was, for the most part, false. I wasn't as comfortable as I made it seem to be; I could post a photo, but the catch was that I would have to be in a full face of makeup. Even then, the photo might only survive ten minutes because I fussed too much about whether or not it was perfect. I thought I was comfortable with myself and that I loved myself, but I was trying to fool myself with this weird, social-media-based facade. It was a version of myself that so desperately wanted to fit in and have other people think I was attractive or funny or cute so that she could feel good about herself. I was looking at things all wrong.

There's something so vulnerable about acknowledging your own flaws and insecurities and that's why I avoided doing so for such a long time. It was easier, in my head, to pretend they did not exist than to admit I didn't like certain aspects of my physical appearance. Over the past couple of months, I have started to recognise that things I may see as flaws, or things I am insecure about, are just elements of myself that make me who I am. I've focused entirely on what makes me feel happy, what about myself as a person I truly like. I stopped wishing I was a little bit taller, a little bit skinner, had a better mouth or nicer eyes. I started appreciating what it is I have- I love my nose because I think it's cute, I love my body because I've spent so long getting it to where it is. I love myself because everything I have is all I've got, and I'm the only person that can truly appreciate that.

I've genuinely never been as secure in myself as I am right now. I thought, for a long time, that I felt my best in my previous relationship. That I was most confident with him, that I loved myself more because of my relationship with him and that it was because of him I liked who I was. It wasn't true at all. I felt good because someone else liked me too, but I didn't actually love myself. I still sat and cried about my flaws, and I still worried that I wasn't good enough (there will definitely be another post on how wrong this is when you're in a relationship with someone). But I- and, he did too- had myself convinced that it was because of him I felt so good, so when things ended I was scared that was going to go away.

The truth is, it was the opposite. It's not so long since I was on the phone with a friend, in absolute pieces, telling them how I didn't even know who I was anymore. I had genuinely disconnected from my own self and felt like I'd lost myself over the course of a few hard months and for all the time, effort, and tears I'd put into this person I'd gotten nothing fulfilling out of it. I didn't like the person that I'd become. What's important to realise is this was so, so necessary for me to feel. I needed to realise that I'd poured everything I had into someone and completely emptied myself out in order to change and start to love myself. Truth be told, it worked. Now, I fell ten-fold as confident because actually, I am beautiful in my own ways and I do think it's okay that my mouth is a little bit lopsided when I smile. Everything about myself that I used to dislike and only like on the basis of someone else liking it, I actually like now. If that's not growth, and one of the most beautiful forms of it, then I don't know what is.

I've spoken a lot so far about physical love for myself, but it's important not to forget the emotional and mental side of things too. For the better part of the past year, I've worried constantly about people not liking me based on who I actually am as a person. Why? When I think about it now, I'm not really sure. I think it all came down to the fact I was trying to mould myself into this perfect girlfriend, so any little thing about my personality my (now ex) boyfriend said he didn't really like or was 'too much', I felt I had to change. Me caring about their day and asking how they are, wanting to speak to people because I like them and even having an issue with handling anxiety all became things I needed to change. It seems so stupid when I look back at it; the fact I was allowing another person to dictate how I should interact with not just them, but most other people in my life. That my own anxiety was being treated as something I needed to change like I hadn't been trying for the past four years of my life. Again, it wasn't until I was completely and utterly broken down that I started to see the good in things.

Now, I do think I'm a good person to have in life. I care so much about everyone that's ever been in my life, whether they're still in it or not (even those that haven't been the best for me, I do still wish well with all my being). I do all I can to make sure my friends and family are happy. I'm hardworking even when I'm struggling to feel okay. I could talk for hours about anything if people would let me, and I most definitely do. As I write this, I'm listening to Taylor Swift's new album (a must, I have to say) and one of her lyrics has just really stood out to me;

'Never be so kind You forget to be clever Never be so clever You forget to be kind'- taylor swift, marjorie

I've always been kind to people, as nice as I can be. What I've learnt this year is that as much as being nice is amazing, it doesn't always mean you're going to be treated right in return. Sometimes, it's worth not being that nice and being smart about things instead can save you being hurt, or taken advantage of. I'm more mindful of this now.

Most of all, as much as I struggle with anxiety sometimes, it makes me, me. If it wasn't for anxiety, I wouldn't understand half the things I do now. Heck, if it wasn't for anxiety, I wouldn't be as strong-willed as I am now. I am learning that sometimes my qualities won't mesh well with others, and that's fine too, but it doesn't mean I need to change them-- that person just might not be significant in my life, because if they were we would find a way to make it work.

I've never liked a version of myself as much as I do now. It almost makes me emotional to think about, because I realise how far I've come in the past few years. I've been through so many things, a lot of them downfalls, and I've picked myself up and kept going every single time. I've started to believe in myself and what I stand for. I've realised that the most important person is me, not anyone else, as special as they might be to me. I mean this in the least big-headed, arrogant way possible, but I am amazing. There's nothing wrong with thinking that about yourself because when you do, it means you'll finally allow yourself to be treated how you deserve by others; you won't accept any less. It's a beautiful thing.

Before I finish this post off, I just want to say a massive thank you to anyone that has messaged me since I've started this up. It means the world to me knowing that what I write actually hits home for people because that's all I wanted this to be. You motivate me to write more. I know lockdown has been hard for nearly everyone but at least we're finally near the end of a downright terrible year so we can all start to hope for better things!! I wish everyone a peaceful and positive week, be kind to yourselves <3