Hello!

I think the best way to begin here is to introduce myself. So, if you haven't read the about page-- I'm Lucy, I'm 20 and I (currently) have three cats. I am in no way a professional, my musings here will simply be what I have found works for me and what I have been learning myself. This isn't to say it won't be useful for anyone else; I'm sure others might find solace in my words and if that is the case, wonderful! This first post isn't really going to fit what the rest of the blog will so you'll have to bear with me, it's more of a preface to how and why I've ended up wanting to do this, and where I hope to go with it!

After a good end to 2019 and a wonderful start to 2020, the first lockdown brought about changes in not just mine, but everyone's lives. On a personal level, my first long-term relationship ended unexpectedly but on a relatively mutual basis, but the relationship in itself didn't actually end- I don't think I need to explain what I mean by this. It wasn't all too bad; the summer months were warm and sweet like honey, tainted only by a few moments that I should've reacted more strongly to at the time. Regardless of this, life went on- I saw my friends, continued seeing my ex on a friendly basis and as summer turned to autumn life still felt like it was in a better place than a few months prior. Yet, without even realising, I had fallen out of love with myself entirely.

It wasn't until very, very recently that I became aware of just how much I had lost myself. Without delving too deep into things because this really isn't the place, my ex and I had a true (and again, for me, unexpected) falling out. It flipped my current life completely upside down, not just because of the more-than-a-year-long relationship ending, but the five years of friendship prior to this also being taken away. It hurt and I was more upset than I have ever been over losing a friend but when the dust settled, I realised so many important things-- not just about myself, but about those around me too.

Over those sickly-sweet summer months and autumnal nights of drinking, I'd lost touch with myself and what it meant to love myself. Yes, I had been happy and had so much fun, but I only liked myself enough to get by. I had started to place all of my value, all of my self-worth, and all of my self-love in the hands of one person. I 'loved' myself when they loved me, I thought I looked good enough when they did, I loved what I was doing when they were happy too. I didn't know how to love myself without them loving me too. It confused me; normally, when people don't truly love themselves they require the attention and validation from multiple sources, whether that be multiple romantic or sexual partners or otherwise. I required it from one person, and not always in a romantic or sexual way. It hurt me when I realised that it had gotten that far. That the person that I once considered- and still did, admittedly, until a couple of weeks ago- my best friend had started causing more damage to me and my own well being than I could ever imagine.

Of course, I miss having this person there, but not for the reasons expected. As time goes by I'll delve into that more, but the important thing is that the past couple of weeks have allowed me to self-actualise and start becoming the very best version of myself. I have realised that I should never settle for or accept less than I am worth, that if I would be angry at something that happened to a friend I should be angry if it happens to myself and that I will not be able to love someone else properly unless I am able to love myself. Those are the things I want to work on dearly, and what I hope this blog will help me to do. This isn't a chance for me to bad-mouth any one person either- I have done things over the course of the past 12 months that have aided in me ending up in this position- so please, whoever is reading this, don't be surprised if I have positive things to say in regards to them. Positivity breeds happiness.

As I bring this first post to a close, I think it's important for me to address one thing- healing isn't linear. There are good days and bad days, ups and downs. Days where not a single negative thought crosses your mind and days where all you can think about are the negatives. I've healed- and I am still healing- from enough to know that it takes time, patience, and the right people around you to make it work. This doesn't mean relying on others entirely but allowing them to see you for who you are and to be just a part of the process. To anyone reading this that has been hurt or is currently hurting; I promise you, from the bottom of my heart, things start to get easier. Wounds that once stung and caused you immeasurable pain will start to feel numb. Be patient with yourself.

I want to say thank you to anyone that's here and bothered to read this. I hope I've made some sense, and if not I can only apologise (I am writing this hungover and buzzing on caffeine) and promise that as time goes by I will get better at this. I intend on posting every other Sunday but as things stand it could easily be more or less often, so feel free to check-in! It's my pleasure, even if only one person actually ever reads anything I post. I wish everyone a peaceful and positive week, be kind to yourselves <3