The past 12 months have been, for lack of a better phrase, an absolute mess in many ways. Around a year ago, England was plunged into the first of many, many lockdowns, and I don't think anyone expected it to last quite as long as it has. Yet, in one year of being practically locked inside, people's lives have changed immensely. People have lost, loved, learned, and grown. Friendships formed and maintained over social media have blossomed because we can't go round to a friend's house. Facetime has finally been used to its full potential. A year passed in the blink of an eye. It's strange, looking back to last March. I wouldn't have predicted anything that's happened to me.
So, I'm going to try my best to take myself back a year to March 2020 and figure out exactly where my brain was. Who was I? What did I want from the next 12 months? How did I really feel? Retrospective questions that I think would scare anyone to answer but that I'm going to try to answer for the sake of making a good post!
The version of myself from a year ago is a girl I would just want to help now. A girl that I would want to grab by the shoulders and tell her that she should trust her gut and use her voice when she feels like she should. A girl that needed to be reminded she shouldn't just allow herself to be disrespected and that expecting the bare minimum isn't expecting much at all, and isn't really expecting enough. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself all of these things and actually listen because I'd have grown into who I am now much faster (although, the experiences I had because of being that way did prove beneficial in the end). The version of myself from a year ago is a girl that thought a relationship that clearly (to everyone but me, at the time) wasn't good for her would last forever just because she wanted to see the best in everyone and trust that other people could change as well. She didn't know that even when you think you really know people, they can still prove you wrong in every way. The point is, the version of me from a year ago is so different to me now because I've finally grown into the person I believe I was always meant to be. A year ago, I was putting too much focus into things that weren't going to benefit me. I was putting all my love and energy into other people and completely neglecting myself. I never stopped to think about what I wanted or where I wanted to end up, I just let other people dictate it for me.
There was nothing wrong with me like this, per se. I was loving and empathetic and forgiving-- those are good qualities to have as a person. I just wasn't thinking about myself enough which, surprise surprise, isn't actually the best for you. I wasn't performing my best in University (not that I was doing bad, but I could've achieved so much more) because I didn't have any focus on it; why should I? It was first-year during a pandemic!! It's just strange for me now, a year on, to look back and really comprehend how different I actually am.
I could ask my friends and family how I've changed and get a million different answers, and that isn't an over-exaggeration. They've all watched it happen, some from up close and some from a distance. There are people that have come back into my life that have noticed how different I am from when they knew me before. Not to be cheesy, but I feel like I emerged from the chrysalis as a vibrant little butterfly.
The most notable change? I grew a backbone. I didn't just suddenly become an outrageous bitch, by any means, but I stopped holding back from telling my loved ones when they did things that bothered me. If you have to live in fear of telling someone that they've hurt your feelings, it's really difficult to be truly happy. Those things play on your mind if they're not acknowledged. They grow from a small upset to resentment and the only result then is a bigger fallout. You shouldn't have to be scared to tell someone you care about that they've hurt your feelings (15 year old me could've done with this; I really used to let people walk all over me and never said a word). I've gone, in the space of 12 months, from my mum telling me to just stand up for myself more to her saying she's proud of me for doing so- if that's not an achievement, I don't know what is.
I can also confirm that the past year has made me so confident in myself. I never would've thought that was possible, given that for the better part of the past 12 months we've been stuck inside, but I think that's what actually helped me become confident. I've had time to actually stop for once. To slow down, stop writing and reading and working, and think. The amount of self-reflection that's occurred is incredible. It's not like I just mean being confident in myself physically, either (although this is a huge thing and I think it's obvious to everyone I actually love myself now). I'm just more confident in who I am. In my brain, in my words, in the fact that I am a good friend to have. I know now that I am valuable for more than I let myself believe before because I mean something to myself. With those thoughts, and with addressing where I might've found flaws before, I've been able to become more confident. Here's something for you to consider; confidence is intangible. You can't touch it, you can't smell it, it has no physical being. But you can see it. You can pick someone confident out in a room based on how they hold themselves. I'm sure many of you can see it in your peers and daydream about wanting to be as confident as they are. You can be, honestly, you just have to start the work to get yourself into that mindset and before you know it you will be the confident person.
What I can't gloss over at all is the fact that I am actually, finally happy. I don't mean that to say that I am permanently smiling and up on cloud nine, but I'm content with where I'm at. The past year brought so much sadness with it- so many tears and losses and heartbreaks- there were points where I never thought I'd actually feel really happy again. I realised this past month that everything I was so scared of, the worries of losing my friends and losing myself, the late nights not really knowing what my purpose was, never came true. I've got, for the first time in nearly 21 years alive, a group of friends that I know love me and I love them equally in return. One of the best friends I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, after two years apart, made it back into my life because of Covid (and also because we realised we were 18, young and incredibly stupid). I started writing this blog, and came to the conclusion I might actually be able to make a difference if I use my ability to write for something more than essays. I just finally feel like I belong somewhere, and for someone that has struggled with that for a long time, it brings a certain element of happiness to the table. I'm not scared to feel sad anymore because I know that I'll come out on the other side stronger. For all the stress the past year brought, it's brought me to a place of peace.
Change is scary. No matter how prepared you are for it to happen, it can still knock your life off-kilter. As scary as it is, sometimes you've got to embrace that change with open arms and see what happens. Take the opportunity- whether it's doing something you're not used to, moving somewhere, meeting new people- and allow yourself to move with it. There's an ebb and flow in life; nothing ever quite stays the same, so why, then, should we? I wouldn't be who I am right this second if I didn't change with time, even a tiny bit. I wouldn't have started this blog, wouldn't have started trying to spread a positive message across social media, wouldn't have met some of the truly amazing people that I have. You can be scared of something but still embrace it. There's beauty in that.
This was definitely a more personal post in comparison to my other recent ones, but I felt it was an important retrospect to share. It goes to show how the course of a year can change your life in so many was, to such an extent that I wouldn't recognise myself a year ago. I've become a woman that I am proud to be and that the younger version of myself would adore- that's all I could ever have asked for. I also want to say, given the timing of this post, happy International Women's Day to every beautiful woman that reads this post-- you are all spectacular and will achieve great things. Don't ever let anyone take your power away. Until the next post, I wish everyone a peaceful and positive week, be kind to yourselves <3