Trauma, Healing & Learning to Trust

Healing from trauma is a massive part of the journey to true self-love (for me, at least). Suffice to say I have had my fair share of experiences that, in my own head, have left me with long-standing impacts. I have to dial this back to the first- but by no means last- piece of trauma I experienced, and how that not only changed me but how I started the process of healing from it. This is a trigger warning for brief mentions of sexual assault.

If you've read my previous post, then you no doubt have an idea of the trauma that I am referring to here. If you didn't, then to put it simply- my first boyfriend got me to do things I did not want to do and he wouldn't take no for an answer. It's important for me to say that, although I recognise what I went through now and I have been able to grow from it, the first few months after I was completely unaware what had happened was wrong. I existed in a limbo of sorts; talking to boys, being afraid to say no, and not being sure why I felt genuinely scared whenever a male got too close to me. I didn't address the latter of those three things because I didn't understand why I felt that way. I didn't understand why when boys I had been friends with for years got too close for me I felt the need to flinch away or cover-up. I assumed, at first, that I was going through an awkward stage and just wasn't interested in boys at that moment in time.

When I finally came to the realisation of what I had experienced and why I was subconsciously reacting the way I did, it made me ill. There was a period of time- and I honestly can't tell you how long it was- where everything about myself felt wrong. I felt dirty and like that would be with me forever. I assumed that every experience I had going ahead would be the same-- that I would realise after the fact that it wasn't what I wanted and I had done it to keep someone else happy. I was damaged beyond my own belief, and it was at this time I took every wrong step towards 'feeling better'.

I thought that the only way to get over it was to throw myself into things. I thought I just needed to get over it, get over myself, because not everyone was going to be like that. I couldn't have been more wrong about it. All this did was delay me actually coming to terms with what I had experienced because all I was doing was covering the feelings up and pretending like it really didn't bother me at all. I convinced myself that I was ready to move on with someone else and do these things again and this was exactly what I tried to do. Thankfully- even if I didn't realise it at the time- this person didn't allow me to move too quickly or put myself into situations I said I was okay with. As frustrating as this may have been, it benefitted me in the long run.

It got to a point where I was convinced I really was over it. I suppose to some extent I was- I didn't actively think about it, it didn't pop up in my dreams. I was existing without the weight of this thing that had happened on my shoulders. It was around two years after everything happened that I came to the conclusion I was wrong; I was involved with someone new and everything came back up. There were multiple occasions where I cried, panicked or just shut down completely. The person I was with was a blessing at this time just because he listened and took his time with me to try and make it easier. It gave me the real kick I needed to start addressing how I felt and how I handled things. I finally allowed myself to cry. I finally allowed myself to admit I was scared, even with someone I trusted completely, of what they could do. I spoke to my friends and other people I trusted more openly about it. As much as it was upsetting and not easy to deal with by any means, it was entirely necessary.

Now I am here-- three years on. It's an ongoing process. I don't flinch every time someone touches the back of my head anymore. I do question whether or not I can trust people. I can't definitively say I am over it, because to be honest, I'm not sure it's the kind of thing you ever heal from entirely. It has to be taken one step, or one person, at a time. I have to learn to trust each individual, to be honest with them about why it is I might seem so apprehensive around them when I don't know them yet. But it's better than what it was. I am better than what I was.

One thing I want people to take away from this is you are really, honestly, not alone in what you have experienced. I can speak from experience- so many people (both male and female) have gone through almost exactly the same things. It's not wrong to feel unsure after these experiences. It's not wrong to hurt, even for a long time. If you feel that you can, talk to someone about it. The people in life that love and care about you the most will always be there to listen, even when they might not understand it. But remember these things take time; healing from any trauma will be a process that at times can be draining, but it's something that needs to happen so you can start to feel even a little bit like yourself again. So please, to anyone reading this that has gone through anything that feels the same if you feel ready to speak to someone about it then do- whether that be a therapist, a friend, or a family member.

I hope, once again, that this post made some sense and was at least eye-opening for people to read. It's the type of thing that takes a whole lot to write about and it's certainly been a task for me to do so. Outside of that, hopefully lockdown has been kind to everyone and for those of you that are moving into Tier 1 or Tier 2, enjoy the little bit of freedom! I wish everyone a peaceful and positive week, be kind to yourselves <3